Diana Rachel Bletter is a prize-winning author who has guided dozens of women on their journey toward healing, improving their relationships with others — and most importantly, with themselves.
With a degree with honors from Cornell University, Diana Rachel Bletter has written for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Christian Science Monitor, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Seventeen, The Forward, The North American Review, and other publications. She was the First Prize winner of Family Circle Magazine’s 2011 Fiction Contest and the First Prize winner of Moment Magazine's 2019 Fiction Contest. She is the author of several books, including the novel, A Remarkable Kindness (HarperCollins).
Diana Rachel Bletter draws upon her life experiences to help others overcome their challenges and live life to the fullest.
A wanderer who likes the expatriate life, she has lived in Paris and Rome and now makes her home in a small beach village on the Mediterranean Sea where she and her husband raised six children and an unofficially adopted daughter from Ethiopia.
Find out more about Diana Bletter's writing at www.dianabletter.com.

Introduction

Congratulations! If you're reading this book, that means you're ready to walk on a journey toward loving the woman you are. Using these practical tools to love yourself can help infuse your days with joy, boost your self-confidence, and increase your selfesteem.

Studies show that being kinder to ourselves is the key to greater happiness. And yet, so many women seem desperate to figure out how to do just that. We treat our pets far better than we treat ourselves. But learning to love ourselves is the most important work we must do in our lives, for out of self-love comes everything else: healthy relationships, a meaningful job, and a satisfying, fulfilling, and happy life.

Loving yourself means doing things each day to make you feel that love. In this book, I will show you how these tools can help you in all aspects of your life, no matter what you face-whether you're getting married or staying married, having children or applying for a new job because self-love is the most effective way to live, make good choices, take action, and be content in your life.

Loving yourself will help you:

• Make appropriate choices

• Take care of yourself

• Boost your self-esteem

• Let go of expectations

• Lose your resentments Conquer fear

• Learn acceptance

• Heal your relationships

For years, I didn't know how to do any of the above. I had no idea how to love myself.

Growing up with two alcoholic parents, I could only guess at what it would feel like to be safe inside myself, content, and self-loving. Like many other women, I also experienced sexual abuse. That's not uncommon; the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that more than half of women have experienced some kind of sexual violence involving physical contact in their lifetime as adults. One in four women experienced sexual abuse as little girls. I'm one of those little girls.

I could never get a handle on not feeling that it was somehow my fault. I was somehow dirty and bad, and this shame lingered like a shadow over my life. I pushed away the pain, but I also couldn't feel much joy. Inside, I was numb, and there was a big, bold, deep X slashed across my soul. That meant defective. That meant there was no room to love myself. Hating myself seemed natural to me.

We often think of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a condition that impacts men, mostly soldiers returning from wars. But symptoms of PTSD, including depression and anxiety, also plague women who've experienced some kind of sexual trauma. In fact, the National Center for Health Statistics has found that twice as many American women than men take antidepressants. It seems that women are constantly searching for ways to feel better about themselves.

Our vulnerability and struggle to find our place in the world haunt many of us.

One afternoon, I attended the funeral of a very good friend who died from ovarian cancer. I was heartbroken because she'd died so young. It dawned on me that life is short, and it could end at any moment. Was I going to spend my whole life hating myself? But how would I ever feel self-esteem, let alone self-love?

It's been many years since I began my journey toward loving myself.

I found a therapist who suggested I join a self-help group, an important suggestion that helped me grow even further. In this support group, I found someone to guide me. In twelve-step groups, these guides are called sponsors. Sponsors are like life coaches, but they're never paid. They volunteer to pass on what they've learned for free. My sponsor's name was Maggie; she was a shining example of what it meant to be a woman who carried herself with self-esteem, grace, and dignity. She's since passed away, but she taught me so much about loving myself, protecting myself and just being myself.

After a while, I became a sponsor for other women, passing on what Maggie and other women have taught me. I continue to help other women because I believe I can keep what I've learned only if I give it away.

I've come to understand that we each have a story to tell; we each have survived difficult experiences. We're heroes of our own life story. And there's much we can learn from one another. I've spent hundreds of hours listening to women talk about the steps they took to heal themselves and then to love themselves. I've worked like a scientist in a laboratory, applying other women's tips, tools, and suggestions to improve my own situation. Every day I did the work. Every day I still do the work. Learning to love myself isn't something that happens overnight. This is a daily practice because life itself is a daily practice. Slowly, I began to feel I could not only love the woman I am but celebrate who I am.

This book is a compilation of all that I've learned that I want to pass on to you.

By loving yourself, you'll be able to tap into a deep reservoir of healing and power. You'll see that you're never alone. You'll understand that it doesn't matter who abandons you, because you'll learn to never abandon yourself. You'll be able to face any problem or crisis in life with a solid inner core, feeling as if the sun is always shining down upon you and you're channeling all the love in the Universe.

How do you achieve self-love? What does it look like? What does it feel like? How do you manifest it on a daily basis? Loving yourself is:

• The ability to say no to others and yes to yourself

• Practicing self-care

• Saying, "I'd rather do this" or "I'd rather not do that" instead of "I don't mind" or "I don't care"

• Treating yourself with tenderness, the way you treat your puppy, kitten, child, or loved one

• Standing in a crowd of people and not competing or comparing

• Feeling content being you, even when your life is difficult

• Filling your own well and not waiting for other people or outside things to fill it

By taking practical, concrete steps like these to love myself, I feel like I've escaped this murky darkness. My life has improved in ways that are better than I could have ever imagined. I've achieved some of the goals I once considered pipe dreams. I started my own business, wrote several books, and raised four children and two stepchildren. I used to think that all I could give my children was a legacy of sorrow and disappointment, but now I believe I gave them support, encouraging them to not only be themselves but to love themselves. Love that goes from ourselves and to ourselves: it's as simple as that.

This book is divided into ten chapters.

In chapters 1 and 2, you'll learn how to be calmer throughout the day by having a morning routine and connecting to your body, heart, mind, and soul. If you take care of these four elements, you'll feel an increasing sense of wholeness.

Chapters 3 through 8 will help you handle difficulties that we all face: how to boost self-esteem, let go of expectations,

stop self-doubt, conquer fear, make decisions, and practice acceptance.

Chapter 9 will inspire you to investigate your family history and how it impacts you.

And Chapter 10 shows that once you've healed the relationship with yourself, you can heal your relationships with others. Throughout the book, I've changed the names of the women I've spoken with, adding dramatized details to protect their anonymity.

Loving ourselves is the most crucial course in the School of Life. We never graduate learning how to do this. It's a practice we do each day. Once you've started the journey, I encourage you to continue it. If you need more help, you deserve to get it. You can find professionals to talk to, and you can join self-help groups that will continue to show you how to love yourself.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." — Oscar Wilde

The Loving-Yourself Vow

Whenever I work with a woman on loving herself, I ask her to hold a ceremony in which she makes a vow to do that. Because somewhere along the way, our connection to our inner selves was severed. We stopped paying attention to that little voice inside us, that little girl inside us who's vulnerable, hurting, possibly scared, confused, and alone. So we need to repair that connection to that child we once were the truest core of us—and strengthen it.

And just as people get married and vow their love for one another, it's crucial to vow your love for yourself. Before you read this book any further, please stop and take a few moments to confirm your commitment to love yourself out loud. At first you might feel silly—as many women, including myself, have said-but then, just hearing your own voice can give you a rush of love, as if you were channeling all the love of the Universe right into you. I'd never understood the idea that love for myself isn't performance-based. It's just love. And once I tapped into that, I felt power, resolve, and a bubbly sense of joy. I went from feeling that my cup was half empty, to my cup was half full, to my cup was overflowing.

So, prepare a nice environment for yourself. You can be inside a room you like, outside on a beach, or under your favorite tree. Set up a little altar with things that are special to you: shells, stones, pine cones, or acorns. You can light a candle, a sage stick, or incense. Put on some clothes that make you feel like your truest, best self. It could be a long, flowing robe, a pair of leggings, or a comfortable sweater. Make sure you have a mirror, ring, bracelet, necklace, or earrings on hand.

Then. look at yourself in the mirror and sav a vow to love yourself.

Here are a few examples. The first is my own. I knew I had to not only love my adult self but find a way to love that little girl inside me, whom I'd neglected for so long.

"Deenie, [that is one of my childhood nicknames], I love you. I'm sorry you had to go through the things you went through. But you're safe with me now, and I'll never let anyone hurt you again. My love for you is endless. I am who I am because of your bravery and resilience. I promise to always love you. I promise to listen to you and to never ignore you. I promise to always be there for you from now on. Forever."

…………[your name, your childhood name or nickname, or whatever you call yourself], I promise to believe in your talent, support your dreams, and always listen to you. I'll be with you in sickness and health, in failure and triumph, in plenty and in want. I'm with you always, from now on."

…………[your name, your childhood name, or nickname, or whatever you call yourself), you know me better than anyone else. You know my strengths and my weaknesses. I promise to always be patient, forgiving, and kind to you. I promise to be your best friend, from now on and always."

Now, cross your arms over your chest and give yourself a hug. A really big hug.

Hold it for a while so you take in that swoosh of love for yourself. If you're also loving that little girl inside you, take her

When you're ready, put on the piece of jewelry. That will serve as a reminder that you're embarking on this journey of selflove. I wear a ring my mother used to wear, and in times of stress, I can look down on it and feel her strength and love, however flawed and broken. The gift of love is something we each must do not only by ourselves but with ourselves and for ourselves.

Whichever vow you say, write it down and tape it to your mirror or carry it with you. That way, you can remember what you promised to do. There's no other love like the love you have for yourself. Armed with that, you can face anything life throws your way.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Copyright: Kent & Cordell